December 24th, 2005

Current Music: Jimmy Eat World - "Sweetness" Subject: Prophetic Ramblings Time: 05:44 pm Current Mood: frustrated

One thing a parent always takes notice in is when their child falls in love with another person. They too remember the two lovebirds' first date. They even remember that little rose bush that was given to their daughter by her husband five years ago. They walked past it today and admired how much it had grown. It's grown much like their relationship. Prophecy isn't a gift of mine, but I can make a pretty close guess that my parents' memories will not be of when I was given a special gift by my significant other, but rather their minds will be stained with the pain of knowing their youngest child would become what they feared the most. True, I could have bumped my head harder than I thought this morning and my visions were, in fact, a "bad dream" resulting from several episodes of poorly scripted Korean soap operas. The time will come for me to meet the person I'm to spend the rest of my life with and this happiness sadly may not be shared with my family from it's beginnings. In the past year and a half I've come to find comfort in friends rather than family. The acceptance I have been given is what I wish to experience with my family. I would like to have them love my partner as much as they love my brother-in-law. There is a strong fear of alienation once I have opened up to them about my life and when the time comes, when I am with another. While all these thoughts swim through my brain there is still the one fact that I am completely aware of: Truths are hard to accept in their beginnings. Given time these things pass with time.

August 16th, 2005

Current Music: Moby - "Blue Paper" Subject: Go Tell It On the Mountain Time: 10:13 pm Current Mood: determined

Saying it is actually going over the mountain. Once you say it at the top, it's all downhill. Downhill can be bad or it could be good. Today I told two people about my not-so-much-of-a-secret-anymore secret. One of my best friends, Clary, was online today and I hadn't spoken to her in a long time. I decided it was best to tell her now before she moves to a city where several of our mutual friends live and know of my sexuality. First reaction after I said I was gay was, "Gay as in happy?" Yes, my dear Clary. Gay as in happy to be happy with guys. Where's my drum roll? Yeah. Nothin'. Over all, her reaction was pleasant. The second person to be told was my sister. As I had mentioned in a previous entry, she was under the impression that I was on the road to "straight-hood". I had made comments to her recently that insinuated an issue needed to be discussed, but I never got around it. Finally, after an anxiety attack, I called her and spoke to her about it. She said she loved me and didn't think any differently of me. As far as my salvation, it's up in the air with her. She just prays that God is a reasonable God and will judge reasonably. Honestly, what can she say to me about the issue? She knows I know that the good Book of Love condemns such acts. At any rate, it is nice to have this off my shoulders and out in the open with someone in my family. With all this said, she did mention that my life was "fucked up" at the moment. Also, that it would be best to tell my parents after I get my career started and have my life more in order. Bottom line: Jos needs to get his portfolio out there and above all get a job in the art field. I felt the pressure when I found out that my parents were moving to California soon, but now the burner has been turned up to high. I need to reorganize my priorities and accomplish what I was sent out into this world to do. Tomorrow is another day to rectify my life. Wish me luck.

May 10th, 2005

Current Music: Enigma - "Beyond" Subject: Unlocking The Door Time: 09:45 pm Current Mood: accomplished

Sometimes I have to step back and look at what has just happened. Two years ago I would have said no one would ever know this secret. Now, within five weeks, my life has taken an incredible turn. I was told by others that I would know when the time would be and that when it came, it would feel like a giant stone had been lifted from your back. Never did I think it would happen nor did I actually feel a relief. Coming out to someone is a hard thing to do, but before you can do that, you have to have the key to unlock that door. That key is self-acceptance. Accepting a part of you and in my case accepting God's love for me. Once I came to terms with myself, I was able to turn the key and push the door open. Stepping out of that dark place, I grabbed a spade and was ready to weed through my "garden" of friends. I understood that some wouldn't agree with me, but still accept me, but the fear of total rejection was still there. And if they would not accept me, Jos, at least then I would know that they were not a genuine friend. What I didn't expect was to find a garden without weeds. But even more interesting was that my garden wasn't even inhabited by flowers. I found herbs. Strange? Not necessarily. Herbs help to heal. That's how I view the people I've opened myself up to. I've had nothing but support, love, and acceptance. They've helped heal my faith, bonds, and soul. This journal has been my experiences, but as a result, you have your own. This entry has been left for commenting. This is your time to express your experience with me coming out to you. What was your initial thought? How was your reaction? Were you happy, sad, angry, or "Hell, I knew all along"? Looking forward to your takes on the issue. -Jos

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April 17th, 2005

Current Music: Sarah McLachlan - "Full of Grace" Subject: The Gift of Salvation: One on One Time: 03:10 pm Current Mood: hopeful

I don't think anyone can say that one person will make it into Heaven and another will not. Despite the facts that are presented in front of you, these facts can only be taken at face-value. Spirituality is a personal experience. It is a one-on-one relationship with God. Where is the person's heart? You don't know. No one knows what sort of relationship a person has with God but God and that individual. Who's to say I won't be in Heaven. Who's to say you won't be in Heaven. No one. "Jos, you need to give it to God. Ask for forgiveness." I'm aware of this. I have done this so many times in the past. A person can only beat themselves up over something like this for so long until they get to the point of, "I'm doomed for life." Negative outlook? Pretty much. I've felt like this literally my whole life. Who's to say that this isn't really a part of me? I've learned to accept myself and make the best of a "bad situation". Example: Fred was born with one arm. Rather than feel sorry for himself, he accepted the fact that he's only got one arm. This is Fred. He's a professional tennis player and ranked top in the nation. Oh yeah, and Fred only has one arm. This is Jos. He's like your average guy. Has got a descent job. Tries to be the best person he can be. Tries to be a good friend. Laughs a lot. Keeps a level head and enjoys life. This is Jos. Oh yeah, he happens to be gay. Accepting myself has made things clearer for me in my personal life with friends, family, and God. If I took this to God and still feel the same way I've felt for 20 years, then it's time I accept myself for who I am. Rather than kill myself over it, I should accept me like God accepts me. Before I end this, I'll leave you with a quote from Moby's song "Natural Blues": Oh Lordy, trouble so hard, Oh Lordy, trouble so hard Don't nobody know my troubles but God, Don't nobody know my troubles but God Amen.

April 11th, 2005

Current Music: Sacred Spirits - "Bad Luck" Subject: Californication (PG) Time: 02:06 pm Current Mood: grateful

When I first moved to California, I felt like a new page had been turned, but I could see text still from pages before. I could not ignore the events that had taken place prior to my move, but for a short time I was caught up with the initial establishment in my new home. The first two weeks went by fast with my parents helping me get settled in and when they left, I found myself feeling alone. The issues I went through a few months before began to surface again. When I say alone, I mean emotionally. My sister lived a few minutes down the road, but by now she became more conservative in her views toward homosexuality. Rather than accepting her acceptance back when I first told her, I pushed the idea of me becoming straight so strongly and saying that it wasn't good. My depression set in pretty strong in September. One day I was in the car with my sister and wasn't talking much. She asked me, "So, how are things going with you? Are you still working on it? Have you spoken to Walter about things?" I wanted to tell her that I feel the same and that it was killing me to keep it in. I wanted so bad for her to say, "Jos, it's ok. I love you and accept you. You're ok." But I couldn't. I felt as though her views had now gone in the opposite direction. All I could say was that I had been working on it and trying not to think about it, but it was hard sometimes. Sorry. Did I say sometimes? I meant all the time. It wasn't long after that that I couldn't stand it anymore. I wanted a taste of what I had always wanted. I did the most random thing and hooked up with a local guy I had met online. This was my first experience ever. My first kiss even. And I hated it. Completely and utterly hated it. To top it off, I had a hickey. Now, tell me. How in the hell would I hide something like that from my sister? I couldn't. The next morning, I called my sister and brother-in-law and actually told them what I had done. I said, "I fooled around and hated it. I'm not gay!" They were happy and my sister came over that night and I fixed us dinner. I told her I was so happy I wasn't gay and that I believe that being gay is because of your environment and that people can change. She was very happy and agreed with me whole heartedly. My first experience with a guy "cured" me. Wrong. Like a friend told me: If I knew how my first time would have been before I had sex, I never would have sex in my life. Some people have a lucky strike for their first time and it's great. But the majority of people have a bad experience. Much like me. There were no feelings for me and the person was not my type at all. I did it purely for the experience. It wouldn't be until my second time around that I'd fully understand this. The second time there were feelings involved. More of what I looked for in a person. Now I began the reconstruction of myself. This was something I had suppressed for years because of fear. But for me, I couldn't understand how it was wrong to feel this way since I had always felt this way. How can I deny this and be happy with life? I accepted who I was at that point and from then on have been working with it and becoming more comfortable with my own sexuality. At the same time I'm not about give up who I am as a person. And with my self-acceptance, I'm now letting my close friends in on this secret I've kept to myself for years. So far, four of my closest friends know. Family is next, starting with my sister. This is a challenge because, if she hasn't assumed by now, I've accepted the fact I'm gay. Will she be tolerant of me and accept me as she did a few years back? I'd be the luckiest sibling in the world. But before I get to that point, I'm finding that the people who I've considered my best friends all these years are, in fact, just that. No matter what.

April 10th, 2005

Current Music: Björk - "Headphones" Subject: The Meeting Time: 11:33 am Current Mood: confused

Monday came and I had my hair colored back to normal. After that, I drove up to see Walter, the psychologist/pastor. Now Walter has known my family for years (before I was born even.) I sat on the couch (just like in a movie) and said I had a problem. His first reaction is, "Jos, I'm not surprised you're gay. This isn't a bad thing, but I could tell." He said that it could have been because of the way I was raised. When you're a child, you look for the parent who has the power. In my case, my mother had the power. And rightfully so. He pointed out that my mother had no choice due to the events that happened when I was born. My father was in a terrible motorcycle accident and this left my mother alone to raise a new born (me), my 5 year old sister, and 10 year old brother, PLUS my father (basically another child because of the accident.) So she had to be strong. That was his perspective. I started to tell him how I felt. I told him that my biggest concern was my salvation. Will I go to Heaven? And then coming out to my parents. I told him I couldn't do it. This is where it became interesting for me. He said that my sexuality had nothing to do with whether or not I'd go to Heaven. He said, and I agree with him, that gay people can have a great relationship with God. My sexuality and salvation are two separate issues. At that time, I wanted to be straight. So, he said that if that was what I wanted, we'd try and make me straight. His advice was to not think about anything gay and just focus on girls. Easier said than done. Especially for someone who's never been attracted to the opposite sex their whole life. So I left with this knowledge and came back to Southern. I tried my hardest to not think about anything gay despite the fact that it was all I had ever known. I focused on a girl, Michelle, at work. I flirted and tried to really like her. She was cute and I could see myself with her.....if I was straight. I pulled all the tricks: bought her a rose for Valtentine Day, bought her stuff for her trip, and visited her in class. Crazy stuff. The worst part is that my heart wasn't really into it. That all ended when I found out that she was still with her boyfriend. After that I didn't know who to hit on. I wasn't going to try it with a good friend because I wasn't feeling anything was real with me doing what I was doing. I also felt like a freak going to a psychologist. Like I had problems and I wasn't normal. I stopped going to Walter when he had some family issues arise. But, me going to him for meetings wasn't to go un-noticed by my mother. Walter and I had discussed that it was best for my parents not to know I was gay since I was trying to be straight. He said, like I expected as well, that my mother would be the one that would freak out and my father would take it much better. We agreed that if my parents found out that I was meeting with him that I would tell them I was talking to him about the problems we've been having with my brother. Good call. One day, my mother was doing some laundry and she found, in the back pocket of my jeans, a slip from Walter's office. She came to my room and I saw it in her hand. The blood rushed to me head. She knew now that I had been seeing Walter about something. She asked me what was wrong and I told her, "I've been seeing Walter about Tommy (my brother) and I didn't want you and Papa to know because I know it's stressful for you two to talk about it." Hook, line, and sinker. She bought it. A couple of months passed and I tried to continue and ignore my feelings. My sister and her husband now were under the impression that I was on the road to heterosexuality. Things went just as usual other than that. The next big thing to happen came on August 26, 2003. My father and I hit the road to move me to California. And my life hasn't been the same since.

April 9th, 2005

Current Music: Moby - "Overlands" Subject: A First for Everything Time: 11:44 am Current Mood: blank

I was at Southern during that time and was going through a depression. It only lasted about two months, but it was rough. To break the monotony of everyday life, I went out and got my hair colored: red and blond streaks mixed with my brown. Some of you may remember this, others probably just heard about it and never were able to see it. After I got it colored, I drove home and went to the back door and rang the door bell. My mother came to the door and opened it. "What the hell did you do to yourself?! You look like a freak from San Fransisco!" Ouch. My immediate thought was, "What would she say if I told her I was gay? She'd hate me judging by this reaction of my hair." The rest of that evening she vented to herself under her breath and didn't look at me, nor speak to me. Literally. My father actually was the one that still talked to me. My mother was the complete opposite. I never felt so unwanted in my life. That night I went to my room and called my sister up to vent with her. I sent her a picture of my hair and she said that it did look slightly gay. I agreed. By this time reality was kicking in that the hair wasn't all that great. She told me, "Jos, just let it go. She's probably just afraid you're gay." I froze. My sister hit it on the button. What do I tell her? Do I play it off like I had always done? But I always wanted her to be the one that knew about me. So, I opened my mouth. "Danielle...... I'm. *breathes* Please don't hate me. I am gay." My sister and I cried on the phone together for three hours. The first things she told me were too supportive, "Is there anyone at Southern that's gay that you can talk to?", "Have you considering suicide? Don't, Jos.", "Do you want me to fly out there and be with you? I'll do it. I can buy the ticket now." I should have taken her acceptance and ran with it, but I didn't. Then, I didn't want to be gay. I told her, "No, Danielle. I want this taken away from me. I don't want to be gay." I didn't want to. I suggested that I go see a family friend who is a pastor/psychologist for help. The next morning, I called him up and set an appointment for that Monday. That day, some of my best friends came over (canadianlinz, Clary, skepticbeliever, and fadora.) Even when they were there, my mother didn't look or talk to me. So, not sure if you guys remember that, but that's when the shit hit the fan. The story goes on, but I'll stop here for now. At this point, I'm out to my sister (and her husband), but wanting help to become straight. Next entry: The Meeting

April 8th, 2005

Current Music: Bright Eyes - "Arc Of Time (Time Code)" Subject: Opened Closet Time: 07:00 pm Current Mood: contemplative

I do hate the term "closeted". In fact, I'm not a fan of any name tag that separates a person from the general society. But, by definition, I am closeted. Completely closeted until now. No one knew about my sexuality until recently. Very few people know I'm gay. You, the reader, are very important to me and that's why I am letting you into this shadow of my life. I don't like keeping things in and I believe that being upfront and honest with people is the best thing. This revelation (or maybe not so much a revelation) may have you think differently of me. I hope that's not the case. I'm still the same person. I should probably start from the beginning and explain to you this "dark side." Flashlights on, please. You're initial reaction will be, "What? When did you realize this?" Well, the honest truth is that I have always, my whole life, known this fact. Nothing ever happened to me as a child to cause this. No molestation, no bad relationship with a parent, etc. I can't explain how it happened other than the fact that I've always felt this way ever since I was a small child. Another question you'll likely ask is if my parents know. The answer to that, at the moment, is no. It would crush them (understandably.) I couldn't bring myself to tell them because I don't want to disappoint them. But, at the same time, I wish they knew. The hardest part about being gay is listening to your parents make random remarks about how sad it is that a person is gay. When your mother reacts with, "You look like a freak from San Fransisco" as you walk in the house with a new hair color and won't talk with or look at you the entire time. Or when your father sees a gay person on television and says in a not-so-caring way, "Queer" or "Fagots". Although, sometimes they surprise me with a more sympathetic comment, "That's so sad." But then, it's more of a "too bad they're not going to Heaven" comment then "too bad people treat them the way they do." Granted, there are some pretty big assholes in the gay community, but still.....you get my drift. I think the biggest struggle I have (not so much now) is feeling accepted by God. Growing up, I would always pray that God would take this away from me. I'd cry myself to sleep in fear that I wouldn't go to Heaven because of how I am. To top it off, going to church was a bit of a challenge. Hearing people make comments about how homosexuals are corrupt and disgusting. None of this, however, has tempted me to ditch the Christian faith. I have standards and morals. I believe in God and that Jesus was sent to save us all. I'm Seventh-Day Adventist. I'm gay. I'm not going to let go of my faith because the general gay population doesn't like the Christian faith and I can't deny the part of me because of the people in the church. I search for God everyday and feel that people will be judged on their heart. This is all I'll disclose to you in the entry. In respect, don't share this information freely among your friends or mutual friends of ours. It's not their time to know, only your time. -Jos

Current Music: Counting Crows - "Black & Blue" Subject: A Reason Time: 06:41 pm Current Mood: calm

I've found the purpose of this journal. If you've got the password, come on in. Bring a flashlight with you. It may get dark.

February 2nd, 2005

Current Music: Beth Orton - "Daybreaker (Four Tet Remix)" Subject: Straight Under Time: 10:23 pm Current Mood: indescribable

I don't know the purpose with this, but in time I'm sure one will surface.